I'm sorry guys

As you can probably tell, I'm not the happiest person to be around and I haven't been since well Halloween. I am deeply sorry for that; and feel horrible being in the state that I am. I can only imagine how frustrating it has got to be seeing me like this. I can't speak for back then because for the most part those issues have been pretty much resolved, but I can talk about what's bothering me of late.

As many of you know, I did not have what you would call a real friend growing up. For the majority of middle school the kids were cruel to me. It got to the point where I learned how to not be noticed, and I for the most part kept to myself until my senior year of high school. I come to mistake and lucked into friends. I wouldn't have the friends I have now if it wasn't because of Joe's outgoingness (I can trace the majority of my friends back to him) and a lucky break in the aerospace seminar.

For the first time in my life I know people care about me and that I've made a difference in their lives. Graduating and either getting a job or going to grad school somewhere else scares the living daylights out of myself. Now that I have friends, I don't want to go back to not having anybody. So I'm not just worriing about my lack of ability to find a relationship (if you know of anybody send her my way), but my ability to make friends again. I just don't think I can handle having nobody again. I honestly think it'll break me and within a couple years I'll loose any bit of sainity that I have left. On the bright side though I'll be able to call a padded cell home; I just hope I get to see how the Harry Potter series ends.

The second big area that's been bothering me is my perpetial lack of a love life. I've been alone so long that I've lost all hope of finding somebody. I 'm just a next to impossible combitiation of shyness, lack of confidence, looks, and commucatoin skills to make it happen or draw a girl to become attracted to me. It just doesn't happen and I'm beyond frustrated about it.

Probably the biggest thing of all though is the feeling of a lack of control that I have in my life. All my other issues are definately tied into this one. It's the most dishearting feeling I've ever had; I just wish I could feel like I have some bearing on my life.

Ok thanks for bearing with me, I'm sorry for complaining so much, but I wrote this one mostly for my own self.

A special thanks goes to Melissa, and Steph for listening to me today; it was really huge guys.
And a very special thanks goes to Desiree Smith for switching out of the lab. That was huge

Hopefully I'll be happy soon, I miss that feeling so very much - Johnny

Music Playin' - Jenny (867-5309) damn you Tommy Tutone