To a very special friend

Melissa,

I want you to know that nothing that has happened in the past year has changed my opinion of you. You are still the most wonderful person that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You are a beautiful, strong, kind-hearted person. If I had to live your life I probably would have died.
I don’t’ know where I’d be without you. You’ve made my life so much better. I don’t care that you don’t think you deserve any credit, because I know better. I know the effect you have on me. I am happier around you than I am with anybody else. I don’t feel any where near uncomfortable around you. You’ve the first person who has made me feel wanted, and loved, and special. My life is infinitely better because you play a major role in it. I know that as long as I have you things will be alright.
I want you to know that I’ll always be there for you. I’ll always be your friend, and I’ll never ever quit caring about you. If you ever need to talk I’m there for you. If it’s important I’d drop whatever it is that I’m doing for you. The thing that I care about most in this world is your happiness. I only wish that I could shield you from pain and unpleasantness. It breaks my heart to see any ounce of hurt in the pair of magical eyes that you have. I just wish that you didn’t have to be unhappy and hurt. I’d honestly do anything (or anybody) for you.
If you ever need an ear to hear you, a shoulder to cry on, or a friend to lean on, I’d do my very best and offer you the unconditional love of a pure friend at the very least. You have to understand that there is nothing you can do that will make me think any less of you, or quit caring about you. You will always be in a special place in my heart.
Nothing at all can kick you out of it either. I don’t envision a day that will pass where I don’t think about you and smile at all the good times we’ve had. Whether it’s “Must be the Money,” or dropping you and your tampons on the street, or the card games, or Frisbee, or eating with you, or talking about your boobs, or comparing male and female body parts to cities, or coloring our ideas of STD’s, or singing, or being at the pool (you looked really hot in that bikini by the way), or running around in the rain with one umbrella and still getting soaked, or giving you a compliment and you not talking it well, or you thanking me and me not taking that well. Those are the memories that I’ll remember most.
I’m starting to cry as I write this now. Not because of how much I’ll miss you but I couldn’t help but think that the scariest thing that could possibly ever happen to me is to get Alzheimer’s and not be able to remember you. I don’t ever want to forget you. You are the world to me, and losing my memory of you would be like losing a large chunk of who I am as a person which would be incredibly hard especially since that chunk is the most joyful part of me. I just don’t ever want to forget about you.
Words cannot explain how much I’ll miss you. I just love that calm feeling I get when I look into your magical eyes, or that feeling I get when you smile at me. It just lights me up on the inside. I’ll miss the way you can be stunningly beautiful without trying and absolutely breathtaking when you do. I’ll miss your love spell scent, and the sense of strength that I get from you. I’ll miss hearing you sing. Oh, Lord will I miss that wonderful voice of yours.
I don’t know what I’m going to do without you next year; I’m just so very afraid about being parted from you will do to me. I just need you so freaking much that I don’t know how or if I can survive without you.
In closing I want you to know that you’re like the sister that I never had and I’ll always support you in what you do. Also I really do love you with a good size chunk of my heart and I’m glad that you’re my best friend ever.

<3>

Here we go

So how have I been??

I'm getting a little bit better. I'm still lonely, and I see a bad few days around the middle of Febuary, but the cloud is lifting a bit in my head and that's a start. I do have a rather disgusting digestive issue though. Joe seems to think I have this weird condition called Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know though, and would like any feedback.

So what have you been up to??

Well nothing too exciting saddly. I watched the nfc championship game @ Joe's on Sunday. On my way back I got my package from home and it felt like my hands were going to freeze off carring it back to my room. Durning the walk I lost my rope to my key chain and it made me sad (I replaced it today as best I could, but it's not the same). The package contained some candy, the gift AeroMelissa got me for Christmas and a few other thingys. After unpacking it I played cards and ate pizza @ Melissa's and it was fun, though it didn't look like I had it which makes me feel bad. I ate lunch with Melissa and Matty the past couple of days. It's been really nice seeing Matty, I wish he was in our classes.

Speecking of classes, so how's classes been??

Alright, I guess. Lab will suck extremely badly and the professor in charge seems like an anal dick. But, I think I'll have fun in it because I can joke with Melissa and big Matt. The TA is goign to think that I'm a big dope by the time it's over. EE is a waste of time; I skipped it yesterday. Acting seems alright thus far. I had to be led around blindfolded and led a blindfolded girl around. It was really fun I enjoyed it though it was really weird and I couldn't walk in a straight line. Today we had show and tell which was oddly fun. I brought in Melissa's and mine rummy scorebook and talked about how special it was to me.

So Johnny have you got anything else to say??

Well today I had a rather heated and long debate with Melissa. It was totally unlike me. Usually i'm not very confrontational, but this was about my one true passion and involved her's too. It was interesting dialogue to say the least.

Ok, I'm done now thanks for bearing with me.

Music playin' - None I'm watching Merlin on the scifi channel

I'm sorry guys

As you can probably tell, I'm not the happiest person to be around and I haven't been since well Halloween. I am deeply sorry for that; and feel horrible being in the state that I am. I can only imagine how frustrating it has got to be seeing me like this. I can't speak for back then because for the most part those issues have been pretty much resolved, but I can talk about what's bothering me of late.

As many of you know, I did not have what you would call a real friend growing up. For the majority of middle school the kids were cruel to me. It got to the point where I learned how to not be noticed, and I for the most part kept to myself until my senior year of high school. I come to mistake and lucked into friends. I wouldn't have the friends I have now if it wasn't because of Joe's outgoingness (I can trace the majority of my friends back to him) and a lucky break in the aerospace seminar.

For the first time in my life I know people care about me and that I've made a difference in their lives. Graduating and either getting a job or going to grad school somewhere else scares the living daylights out of myself. Now that I have friends, I don't want to go back to not having anybody. So I'm not just worriing about my lack of ability to find a relationship (if you know of anybody send her my way), but my ability to make friends again. I just don't think I can handle having nobody again. I honestly think it'll break me and within a couple years I'll loose any bit of sainity that I have left. On the bright side though I'll be able to call a padded cell home; I just hope I get to see how the Harry Potter series ends.

The second big area that's been bothering me is my perpetial lack of a love life. I've been alone so long that I've lost all hope of finding somebody. I 'm just a next to impossible combitiation of shyness, lack of confidence, looks, and commucatoin skills to make it happen or draw a girl to become attracted to me. It just doesn't happen and I'm beyond frustrated about it.

Probably the biggest thing of all though is the feeling of a lack of control that I have in my life. All my other issues are definately tied into this one. It's the most dishearting feeling I've ever had; I just wish I could feel like I have some bearing on my life.

Ok thanks for bearing with me, I'm sorry for complaining so much, but I wrote this one mostly for my own self.

A special thanks goes to Melissa, and Steph for listening to me today; it was really huge guys.
And a very special thanks goes to Desiree Smith for switching out of the lab. That was huge

Hopefully I'll be happy soon, I miss that feeling so very much - Johnny

Music Playin' - Jenny (867-5309) damn you Tommy Tutone

It's Back and Badder than Ever

It's been over a year since I've updated this little ditty, and I'm sorry about that, but we'll try to do it more often (shoot outs at the bottom, see if you're listed).

I got back to school last week and started my final semester of undergrand work which is really scary. So let's have a little info about the semester:

Senior Design - It should be good; I really liked team STAR though now we're a 5 pronged handicapped start but it still should be good. I really like the people in it.
Space Propulsion - It shouldn't be too bad; though it's fun seeing how many different combos of black and green Dr. Micci can where; he got a new belt by the way, Melissa and I are trying to figure out if he got it for Christmas
Stat Orbit Analysis (500 Level) - I don't really know what to think of this yet; hopefully it won't be too bad though it's weird not having Melissa to sit by.
Structures Lab - This is going to be really annoying class and it could be worse than I've been thinking too. Evidentally the professor wants one of our group (which I like, well at least Tall Matt and Melissa) to move to a different section (friday @ 8 or friday until 5:30). Now I'm in the section I'm in so i could get done early and more imporatantly be with people I know i can work with; I can't do the 8 lab because quite frankly I don't want to work with anybody in that group It'd be all me. I like the people who got the late friday time; but it's late on friday, come on now. With my luck I'll be forced to move cause nothing ever goes my way.
EE 305 - Easy and boring; a waste of time
Acting - This actually scares me, mostly because of my shyness and other personal issues of mine.

In case you guys didn't know I've been really stressed and my body hasn't been taking it well. I've been having problems eating meals where I feel like I'm about to throw up in the middle of it (though I've been regaining my appetite of late). I haven't been sleeping well and my left eye twitches occasionally. Oh and my heart flutters a bit (like something solid is being pased through it sometimes). Here's what has been brothering me:

• I'm scared of graduating; I dont' like not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing or if I'll have any friends a year from now.
• I'm lonely, I want to find somebody to be with so badly. It's just so hard for me. It just feels like when it concerns love the deck is stacked against me. I honestly don't see what I have to offer or attract somebody to me.
• My shower situation sucks. It's been cold for the past week and now I have no water so I feel really dirty and smelly.
• And finally, There are some personal things I'm concerned about.

On to some happier thoughts. I went to the hockey game last night with Melissa and Matt which was really fun even though we lost big time. I want to thank them for getting me out of my room for at least one night (I've been really bored lately) and it really meant alot to me, so thanks guys.

I wanta close this out by giving shout outs to a few special people.

Melissa - Thank you. What can I say to you other than that? You put up with ALOT of crap from me and you're still my best friend. I know I need you more than anybody else in my life, and leaving you (potentially) after the semester scares me more than anything. Life just won't be as much fun without you in it.
Joe - It's good to have you back, I just hope we'll find time to see each other alittle more often than we did this week. You always tell it like it is to me and I appriciate it.
Melissa - Oh my, I don't think I could handle our classes without you beside me. Having you as a friend made everything so much more enjoyable. I want to thank you. You were my best friend last semester (which is actually kind of sad) and you always listen to me complain which has to be annoying, but I really appriciate it though I probably don't say it enough. You probably don't know how important a role you play in my life so thanks.

Other people who I love - Steph (you're a great friend), Matty (you're a good guy my man), Erin (you always listen, though it's kind of sad I hardly see you), and Zach (you're probably my best friend from home).

If you read all this Thank you, till next time - Johnny

Music playin' - Time by Pink Floyd (great song)

Wowees!! It's been a while.

Ok, I know it's been a fairly long time since I've updated this little ditty that I do, and I'm sorry about that. The last few weeks at school were just a little too busy for my liking, and I've been a tad lazy since I got home neglecting it.

A few highlights from the last couple of weeks at school - Oddly enough most of these involve good dinners, but I don't really have a life so you get what you get. There was the holiday dinner where Joe and Erin suprised me by having Nenna come up and eat with us. Just seeing her brightened a day that was down in the dumps. There was one last riggatony's dinner with Matt and Melissa for a while because Matt is sadly going to be away from us next couple of semesters due to him landing a co-op with NASA. I'm happy for him, but I'll definately miss having him in class with us. The Monday durning finals week I had dinner at the Corner Room with Erin, Joe, and Melissa. It was good food and I had fun, but later in the evening I eventually felt sick. I got to have dinner with Steph and a friend of her's who happened to be extremely pretty. It was fun, Steph was nice as usual and her friend was pleasant. That's it with food related highlights (yea i know dull). Other notable events include: finishing that horrible 301 project (took WAY too much time, and Thanks Matt for all you did; you really came through in the end I salute you), playing basketball a few times (including one where I nearly broke my hand), and finishing the semester off. The biggest highlight was when I gave Aaron, Erin, Joe, and Melissa their gifts. It felt so very good surprising them, and I was so very happy that I didn't recieve anything in return (it makes me uncomfortable recieving gifts from friends; I'd much rather give to them than recieve)

Highlighs from home - Actually getting to eat real food for a change which is always a plus. The Monday before Christmas was particullarly pleasing: Starting the day off was a surprise Christmas card from Melissa which shocked the poo out of me hehe; Then I got all my grades back and I did better than I ever thought I would (It made me feel kind of bad because in my eyes I was quite lazy this past semester); and I got to go see The Return of the King (I've had time to thing about it and this movie was amazing. Not once durning the 3+ hours it ran did my eyes glance towards my watch or my mind wander away from the flim which is truely amazing. I would say that it's the best movie I will ever see, but I got a feeling that the extended dvd will be better than the theatical version.). My dad's birthday (Christmas Eve) was nice as usual. Christmas was good. I got to see the family which was surprisingly nice.

I'll update again sometime in the new year just so I can complain about how much I hate New Year's Eve.

Music playin' - None watching Julia Roberts on Letterman

Oh my God, I'm feeling super stressed. I got an emch test Thursday night, and I'm pretty sure that I don't have a clue what's going on. I'm so very lost that it's not even funny. I got a fluids homework due Thursday that I've yet to start. Why have I become such a deadline worker this year?? It's quite annoying being the bad student that I am.

Yesterday was kind of a surreal day. The classes were eerily quiet. Matt was off hunting so it was sort of a test run of next semester for Melissa and I without him. We got a pair of tests back and I did well enough to make me feel better momentarily. I was actually able to do a couple things in skating that I haven't been able to do before break. I got the first Harry Potter book on my way home from skating, and I absolutely love it (I'm so very glad that I've found something that I'd enjoy reading again). I found out that my 5ft+ Santa hat is a chick magnet. Evidentially Jill liked it and wanted to come and sit on my lap durning class. I didn't have anybody to eat with which was sad but not too bad considering the amount of turkey I need to get through before it goes bad. In the evening I watched the Grinch and Christmas Vacation while eating this amazing bag of poppa corn. It was cinnamon roll flavored with Cinnabon icing.

Today I had the 3 hour lab and it was horrible as usual. We had group meeting for the project. I guess we worked through some problems, but I'm still not feeling very confident in my abilities to help out. I just think that I've been kind drag and haven't been pulling my weight. I just want to help so badly, but I'm not quite sure what I know and can do. I got back and watched A Charlie Brown Christmas which was good as usual.

music playin' - Holy Jolly Christmas by Burl Ives

Back @ School

Back at school for a busy little week - a group project (in which I'm completely clueless and I feel horrible about; I just feel like I'm letting the group down), a pair of tests (at least they're the last ones of the year before finals), a three hour lab ( it might be the last one, I'm not really sure), and a couple homeworks due that I haven't started. It should be an interesting week.

Back to break festivities. Friday morning we put the tree up which gets me really excited because I absolutely love this time of the year. The tree came out fairly good; a little full with ornament, we're kind of running out of room for everything. In the afternoon we did a little shopping and I looked unsuccessfully for the pair of glasses that I liked. I have no idea where I'm going to find them, and I'm actually considering buying them off the internet even though that's risky. The evening was spent at the Pens game. It was fun; we got Mario Lemieux egg dolls. The Pens lost thought mostly because they're absolutely horrible. We got home at 11 which was just in time to watch Frosty.

Saturday I did a little work, but not nearly enough. After my mom got home, we went food shopping so I wouldn't go hungry these last three weeks here. I picked up the first Harry Potter movie, which I loved. The movies inspired me to read the books which is good because I've been looking for something to read since August when I finished Moneyball.

Today I woke up and rode back with Christine. We made really good time (sub 3 hours which is rare). After returning, I did some decorating (hung new lights and put candy canes on my Christmas tree) and did a little work (still not enough).

music playin - Carol of the Bells by the Robert Shaw Chorale (Yea!! All time favorite Christmas song)