Here we go

So how have I been??

I'm getting a little bit better. I'm still lonely, and I see a bad few days around the middle of Febuary, but the cloud is lifting a bit in my head and that's a start. I do have a rather disgusting digestive issue though. Joe seems to think I have this weird condition called Asperger's Syndrome. I don't know though, and would like any feedback.

So what have you been up to??

Well nothing too exciting saddly. I watched the nfc championship game @ Joe's on Sunday. On my way back I got my package from home and it felt like my hands were going to freeze off carring it back to my room. Durning the walk I lost my rope to my key chain and it made me sad (I replaced it today as best I could, but it's not the same). The package contained some candy, the gift AeroMelissa got me for Christmas and a few other thingys. After unpacking it I played cards and ate pizza @ Melissa's and it was fun, though it didn't look like I had it which makes me feel bad. I ate lunch with Melissa and Matty the past couple of days. It's been really nice seeing Matty, I wish he was in our classes.

Speecking of classes, so how's classes been??

Alright, I guess. Lab will suck extremely badly and the professor in charge seems like an anal dick. But, I think I'll have fun in it because I can joke with Melissa and big Matt. The TA is goign to think that I'm a big dope by the time it's over. EE is a waste of time; I skipped it yesterday. Acting seems alright thus far. I had to be led around blindfolded and led a blindfolded girl around. It was really fun I enjoyed it though it was really weird and I couldn't walk in a straight line. Today we had show and tell which was oddly fun. I brought in Melissa's and mine rummy scorebook and talked about how special it was to me.

So Johnny have you got anything else to say??

Well today I had a rather heated and long debate with Melissa. It was totally unlike me. Usually i'm not very confrontational, but this was about my one true passion and involved her's too. It was interesting dialogue to say the least.

Ok, I'm done now thanks for bearing with me.

Music playin' - None I'm watching Merlin on the scifi channel

I'm sorry guys

As you can probably tell, I'm not the happiest person to be around and I haven't been since well Halloween. I am deeply sorry for that; and feel horrible being in the state that I am. I can only imagine how frustrating it has got to be seeing me like this. I can't speak for back then because for the most part those issues have been pretty much resolved, but I can talk about what's bothering me of late.

As many of you know, I did not have what you would call a real friend growing up. For the majority of middle school the kids were cruel to me. It got to the point where I learned how to not be noticed, and I for the most part kept to myself until my senior year of high school. I come to mistake and lucked into friends. I wouldn't have the friends I have now if it wasn't because of Joe's outgoingness (I can trace the majority of my friends back to him) and a lucky break in the aerospace seminar.

For the first time in my life I know people care about me and that I've made a difference in their lives. Graduating and either getting a job or going to grad school somewhere else scares the living daylights out of myself. Now that I have friends, I don't want to go back to not having anybody. So I'm not just worriing about my lack of ability to find a relationship (if you know of anybody send her my way), but my ability to make friends again. I just don't think I can handle having nobody again. I honestly think it'll break me and within a couple years I'll loose any bit of sainity that I have left. On the bright side though I'll be able to call a padded cell home; I just hope I get to see how the Harry Potter series ends.

The second big area that's been bothering me is my perpetial lack of a love life. I've been alone so long that I've lost all hope of finding somebody. I 'm just a next to impossible combitiation of shyness, lack of confidence, looks, and commucatoin skills to make it happen or draw a girl to become attracted to me. It just doesn't happen and I'm beyond frustrated about it.

Probably the biggest thing of all though is the feeling of a lack of control that I have in my life. All my other issues are definately tied into this one. It's the most dishearting feeling I've ever had; I just wish I could feel like I have some bearing on my life.

Ok thanks for bearing with me, I'm sorry for complaining so much, but I wrote this one mostly for my own self.

A special thanks goes to Melissa, and Steph for listening to me today; it was really huge guys.
And a very special thanks goes to Desiree Smith for switching out of the lab. That was huge

Hopefully I'll be happy soon, I miss that feeling so very much - Johnny

Music Playin' - Jenny (867-5309) damn you Tommy Tutone

It's Back and Badder than Ever

It's been over a year since I've updated this little ditty, and I'm sorry about that, but we'll try to do it more often (shoot outs at the bottom, see if you're listed).

I got back to school last week and started my final semester of undergrand work which is really scary. So let's have a little info about the semester:

Senior Design - It should be good; I really liked team STAR though now we're a 5 pronged handicapped start but it still should be good. I really like the people in it.
Space Propulsion - It shouldn't be too bad; though it's fun seeing how many different combos of black and green Dr. Micci can where; he got a new belt by the way, Melissa and I are trying to figure out if he got it for Christmas
Stat Orbit Analysis (500 Level) - I don't really know what to think of this yet; hopefully it won't be too bad though it's weird not having Melissa to sit by.
Structures Lab - This is going to be really annoying class and it could be worse than I've been thinking too. Evidentally the professor wants one of our group (which I like, well at least Tall Matt and Melissa) to move to a different section (friday @ 8 or friday until 5:30). Now I'm in the section I'm in so i could get done early and more imporatantly be with people I know i can work with; I can't do the 8 lab because quite frankly I don't want to work with anybody in that group It'd be all me. I like the people who got the late friday time; but it's late on friday, come on now. With my luck I'll be forced to move cause nothing ever goes my way.
EE 305 - Easy and boring; a waste of time
Acting - This actually scares me, mostly because of my shyness and other personal issues of mine.

In case you guys didn't know I've been really stressed and my body hasn't been taking it well. I've been having problems eating meals where I feel like I'm about to throw up in the middle of it (though I've been regaining my appetite of late). I haven't been sleeping well and my left eye twitches occasionally. Oh and my heart flutters a bit (like something solid is being pased through it sometimes). Here's what has been brothering me:

• I'm scared of graduating; I dont' like not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing or if I'll have any friends a year from now.
• I'm lonely, I want to find somebody to be with so badly. It's just so hard for me. It just feels like when it concerns love the deck is stacked against me. I honestly don't see what I have to offer or attract somebody to me.
• My shower situation sucks. It's been cold for the past week and now I have no water so I feel really dirty and smelly.
• And finally, There are some personal things I'm concerned about.

On to some happier thoughts. I went to the hockey game last night with Melissa and Matt which was really fun even though we lost big time. I want to thank them for getting me out of my room for at least one night (I've been really bored lately) and it really meant alot to me, so thanks guys.

I wanta close this out by giving shout outs to a few special people.

Melissa - Thank you. What can I say to you other than that? You put up with ALOT of crap from me and you're still my best friend. I know I need you more than anybody else in my life, and leaving you (potentially) after the semester scares me more than anything. Life just won't be as much fun without you in it.
Joe - It's good to have you back, I just hope we'll find time to see each other alittle more often than we did this week. You always tell it like it is to me and I appriciate it.
Melissa - Oh my, I don't think I could handle our classes without you beside me. Having you as a friend made everything so much more enjoyable. I want to thank you. You were my best friend last semester (which is actually kind of sad) and you always listen to me complain which has to be annoying, but I really appriciate it though I probably don't say it enough. You probably don't know how important a role you play in my life so thanks.

Other people who I love - Steph (you're a great friend), Matty (you're a good guy my man), Erin (you always listen, though it's kind of sad I hardly see you), and Zach (you're probably my best friend from home).

If you read all this Thank you, till next time - Johnny

Music playin' - Time by Pink Floyd (great song)